Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
