I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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