Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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