just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
