You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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