I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
