I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
