I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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