This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
