Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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