Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
