I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
