Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
