booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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