I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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