Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
