Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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