yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
