i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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