The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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