my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
