I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
as a side note pls kill me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
