A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Girls should come with a carfax report
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
