I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just blew my weed a kiss
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
