You smell like a Billy Joel song
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
