i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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