So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
