i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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