I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
