if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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