I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
