You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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