My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
