just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
