Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
