I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
