I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
