just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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