i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
