did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
