separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
