The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
