I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
