Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
