I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
