I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
