My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
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At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
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We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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