I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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