There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
