i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
