is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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