why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
