i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
