I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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