this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
