I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
