yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
