Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
