I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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